I have issues with my mother.
Most days, I think of my mother as a cartoon character, somewhat cute, spits out witty yet venemous one-liners, memorable while I am watching, but easy to forget until the next episode.
The next episode will take place in the Dominican Republic. It will be the climatic episode of the season because I have not really seen my mother in 8 months, by choice of course on both of our parts. The phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" does not apply to our relationship.
In fact, I am positive she has taken this
time to compile a list of things to "discuss" with me. My mother is highly predictable, so after some thinking, I have concluded that the list will look like this:Why will this be the climatic episode of the season? For one, my fiance and father will also be there. This means my entire immediate family, and it's a dangerous mixture. I am already trembling with fear. Usually, I can take on my mother alone, but now I have extra variables.
My father, for one, will be on her side. My fiance will face the firing squad for the first few days, but his lack of experience in combating my mother will surely bring his demise. This means, I will be on my own facing two sets of canons.
I need a game plan.
You must understand, I was foolish. In my moment of weakness, mother whispered sweet words in my ears, appealed to my fragile heart, and somehow convinced me to co-purchase a 600 acre farm in the Dominican Republic. She must have sharpened her manipulation skills. If I weren't so weak, I would have seen through her evil plan.
She doesn't need me to buy a farm?! It is nothing but a total ploy to keep me around! Well played mom, well played.....
Yes, I am impressed by her skills. It has taken time, but I am now accustomed to the idea of having a financial stake in this venture. It's okay right? They will retire there, I will be here, and at most I only need to see her once a year, right? Then it happened again....
That.....little......%$&#$......evil.....woman.....went and bought 4 return tickets to the Dominican Republic behind my back!
This is how the conversation went:
Ring.....Ring.....Ring......
Me - "Hello?"
Mom - "Why did you say no to John Hopkins University? What's the point of applying if you were going to say no! I mean, you are 27, and they won't offer this again! Nevermind...... how do you spell what's-his-name's last name?"
Me - "Umm......Hi Mom, how are you?"
Mom - "How do you spell what's-his-name's last name?"
Me - "Whose name? You mean.....my fiance?"
Mom - " Yeah, whatever.....just tell me how you spell his last name."
Me - " O...........K.........it's L.....A.....B.....O......N...., why?"
Mom - " I have to let my travel agent know so she can print the tickets! "
Me - "What tickets? Are you going somehwere? And why do you want my fiance's last name?"
Mom - "We need to go to the Dominican Republic to sign the papers. We all need to be there...."
Me - "Ummm......okay........ummm......don't they fax that to us?"
Mom - "Whatever, I don't trust faxes, so we are going. The tickets are booked, the hotel is booked, and what's his name is coming too. "
Me - "You mean my fiance?"
Mom - "Yeah, him. So, one of my friends' son, you know the one that went to Stanford? He is back in town, and apparently, he has started a very successful business. So, anyhow, you haven't seen him in awhile, and you know he still remembers you, and wants to go for dinner sometime. Why don't you go?"
Me - "You know I am engaged right? And, I bet you had something to do with this. It's not like you just "ran" into him? Isn't he the one that was divorced? Why is that okay all of a sudden. Wait, what is this about all four of us going on a holiday? You never asked me."
Mom - "He is not divorced, who told you that??!?"
Me - "You did!! (I am fuming by this point) Remember, you said that when you were trying to set me up with the other one???"
Mom - "Oh, no such thing. He is perfectly fine!!!"
Me - "Whatever mom......back to what I asked, why didn't you tell me we are all going together?"
Mom - "That doesn't matter. We are all going, it will be fun!! I have some things to talk to you about anyhow (see list above) , so it will be fun!! What's his name will have a good time too."
Me - "But, I don't even know if I can get the time off work...and..."
Mom - "I am your mother you know. You left home young, and that was so devastating for me. Remember I told you I cried in front of the cats for 3 months straight . I was so worried about you and what you were doing. No child should put their mother through that....(By now, I can hear sobbing)"
Me - "Mom, that was like 12 years ago. Aren't you over it?"
Mom - "No, I am not! (The sobbing instantly went away) And you are coming. I already bought the tickets. I even bought a ticket for what's his name just in case you won't come. So, you are coming! What I mean is.....well.....it will be fun!! Okay, I gotta go, your dad is calling me (nobody was calling her). You are coming, okay? Bye!"
Click.......
See! See! She is pure pure evil. She is always one step ahead of me, and she is relentless.
I love you mom, but you are an evil.....evil....evil....person.
